Fab 2 Flab: Step 11 - Bonus Step!

Fab 2 Flab: Step 11
Cigs & Booze
Congratulations again on completing the 10 step course to obesity.  You've done it!  Congratulations again, on choosing to view this special, bonus information.  You've gained the weight... now let's make sure we keep it!
But how do we do this?  We've all gained weight only to lose it again shortly thereafter.  What's the secret to permanent weight gain?

Answer? You need acidic habits.
Miracle Habit #1: regularly ingest beer.This is going to take some persistence.
Unlike some of the other habits we've done, this is really going to take some work. Your first try of this liquid will likely make you want to never try it again. Apparently it tastes very similar to human urine. But, the truly unhealthy swear, its an acquired taste.
(So... Acquire it!)

Stick with it. Get through a whole can (or bottle) in one sitting. It doesn't really matter what kind, what matters is that the beverage is fermented.
What that means to you, is that now not only are you eating an acidic lifestyle, but you are ingesting literal acid-factories.
Fermented foods produce acid! With regular ingestion of acid producing foods, you'll never have to worry about accidentally losing weight again!

Now, you should already have your unconscious snacking habits, and, if you can, pair your drinking with roasted, salted, oily (preferably hydrogenated oils) beer nuts or better, fatty, sweet, chicken wings.  Many restaurants offer unlimited versions of these foods, as well as French fries and chips.

The best part, is that once you attain your taste for the urine-beer, it will become part of your lifestyle!
Soon, you'll associate beer with social outings, and the hours upon hours of television you've trained yourself to view.
This lifestyle is a little more expensive of course. The pre-made foods, the beer, and the increased amounts of driving. But, its worth it to have the body you've worked so hard to attain, yes?

Want to get crazy?
Let's add in one step that'll be nearly impossible to forget to do!

...You guessed it.  Smoking.

"But wait, doesn't smoking lead to weight loss?"
No! That's a myth! Smoking is a great way to regularly introduce acid into your bloodstream and... Get this, they put in a chemical called nicotine which is highly addictive!
Which means that after a while, you'll remember to do this on the hour!!

There is a downside.
Its very, very hard to start smoking. What the process is, is you have to put a cylinder of cyanide (don't worry, it isn't enough to kill you in one shot, I know we want to be alive to enjoy our obesity, right?) tar (like on roads) and other harmful chemicals and light it on fire, while its in your mouth.
There is a "filter" but don't let that fool you, the filter is filled with asbestos and fiberglass, which will cut up your lungs and lead to more acid. So its all good.

The first time you try, just like alcohol, it'll be... Less than pleasant (sorry). Vomiting is common.
But, with perseverance, eventually you'll actually get cranky from not having it!!

That's it! Congratulations! If you've followed this step by step guide, you've gone from fab to flab!!!
It was a lot of work to overcome all those habits, but, you'll be unable to argue with the results!

There'll no doubt be some lingering habitual things like wanting to enjoy a sunny afternoon by hiking etc, but, don't worry. With this new body type, all those desires will soon fade with time.
Just remember, consistency is key. Keep up your acidic diet, and habits. Don't worry about increasing them, they tend to do that all on their own.
You have the momentum, now just coast into your desired lifestyle.

This is a facetious article
Sensei Ono, Shinka Martial Arts
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