Rape & Seatbelts

I saw a post this morning where a woman was very upset, claiming that teaching martial arts to women either as rape prevention or as rape recovery was like saying it was the victim's fault, or that rapists should just rape someone else.

I thought about what they were saying, and I think the best analogy I've come up with is driving.

Let's say I'm driving, but I've been drinking, I'm not wearing my seatbelt, I'm speeding, and some fuckface runs a red light and smashes up my car.

...

And I get really, really... really hurt.

It takes a very long time to recover.

A lot of tears are shed, and fuckface goes to jail for a few years.

Now, firstly:
SHOULD HE HAVE RUN A RED LIGHT?
No.

DO YOU THINK HE KNEW RUNNING THE RED LIGHT WAS WRONG?
Probably.

DO YOU THINK EDUCATION WOULD HAVE PREVENTED HIS ACTIONS?
Probably not.

ARE THERE THINGS THAT I COULD HAVE DONE TO LESSEN THE LIKELIHOOD OF THIS ACCIDENT?

...

I am not victim shaming. I am odds-pointing-out-ing.

It is bad to rape.  Rapists shouldn't do it.

But here's the thing.  No matter how true that is... no matter how right that statement is... they do.

And seeing billboards on every street corner touting how rape is actually not a very nice thing to do is not going to change their minds about it today.  Maybe someone will come up with a brilliant education method that will actually change rapist's predilection for forcing themselves on people, but... they haven't yet.

Jiujitsu is a seatbelt.
If you never have to feel that "clunk" when you hit the brakes, or when someone smashes into your car and it keeps you safer... cool man.  That's awesome.  But... if you ARE ever in an accident.... which, statistically... is likely... you're going to want the best damn belt you can get.

Situational awareness is defensive driving.
Be smart.  Being smart is not the same as being scared - it's just being aware.  Statistically, you're more safe doing one thing over another.  Be aware.  We all drive faster than we should at some time or another, but we do it with our eyes open, and our hands on the wheel.  Be safe.

...Drinking is still drinking for this analogy (heh.)
I'm not saying you can't drink.  I'm not.  But, just like with driving, it's gonna increase those odds.  Maybe get someone who hasn't been drinking to drive the car, yeah?  A sober wingman/girl is going to help us get home safe.

Now, do people with their hands at 10 and 2, driving exactly 50k several car lengths back, while wearing their seatbelts and being surrounded by airbags still get in car accidents?

Yes, they do. 

But, it happens less, and they get less hurt, less often.

-

I feel like I'm delivering Louis CK's "of course, but maybe" bit here, but, being "RIGHT" doesn't make you less raped.

It doesn't.

Just because someone SHOULDN'T run a red light doesn't mean they WON'T.

Seatbelts save lives.

And yeah, maybe some day we'll all be in driverless cars, and the world will be rid of the need for seatbelts.  But until then... for fucks sake, buckle up.

Leveling up your parenting

"We give and we give and we give, and all they do is take!"

I think we've all heard a parent say this, yes?

I have a re-frame for you to consider.

Imagine you're in a video game, and you're grinding out a skill to level up.  Would you complain that the 400th archer you just snuck up on did nothing but take all your efforts?  What about the 300th iron hat you just forged in the blacksmith?  Would you complain that all that anvil did was take your time?

No, you're getting XP, right?  You're leveling up, right?  And now that you've leveled up, the quests are bigger, the challenges are greater, the gear is cooler, you've got the ability to do more things!

So, here's the thing.  Life ain't that different.

If you're giving in order to receive, I think you're missing the point.  The point is the XP.  The process.  The experience.

Our kids, spouses, friends, enemies, associates, strangers... they're all there for us to experience, they're all there for us to practice and develop different skills.

And, here's the thing.  If I didn't have a toddler, would I still need to develop patience?  If I didn't have a toddler, would I still have to develop presence?

If we look outward, for people to blame in our lives... I think we're missing the point.  It isn't the archer's fault you suck at sneaking up on him.  It isn't the toddler's fault you suck at patience.

And if they weren't there, YOU WOULD STILL SUCK AT IT.  That skill would still need to be developed.  You just wouldn't have an as efficient tool with which to practice that skill.

So, you have two options.  You can look at that toddler and say "damn it, s/he needs so much patience" or, you can say "sweet, double XP."

Either way, the process is there.  That day is there.  The same activities and same development will or won't occur. 

Situps need to be done to get nice abs.  Imagine if you found situps you enjoyed doing!  (Jiujitsu is one way).  Enjoy the process.  Enjoy leveling up.

Or... don't.

There's always someone else to blame for our problems, and there's always some way to justify our failings.  Level 1 quests and rewards are cool, too.  

12 Grappling Tips for starting Jiu Jitsu

So you're starting up BJJ and looking for some beginner tips?

1) Always ask your partner how they beat you, and always tell your partner how you beat them. 

2) There are only two movements in BJJ.  Shrimping, and bridging.  The rest is just knowing when to do them and holding onto stuff.

3) Be patient with yourself.  Unlike a striking art, your progress is not visible as a student, but your instructor can tell when you're starting to get things way before you can.

4) If something isn't working, try the opposite.  If that didn't work, go back to what you were trying, then do the opposite again but faster.

5) If you're stuck, tap out and ask rather than strain. 

6) Strength DOES matter in BJJ.  BJJ is a strength enhancer via leverage and superior positioning. 

7) Watch at least one UFC to see how striking plays a MASSIVE role in ground fighting.

8) Watch at least one kino mutai instructional video to see how biting plays a MASSIVE roll in ground fighting.

9) Tap easy, learn easy, stay healthy.

10) Your partner will often mirror the energy you give them.  If you want to learn, so will they.  If you want to smash, so will they.

11) Try your absolute best to find three partners

• A person who is bigger than you, but less skilled
• A person who is the same size and the same skill as you
• A person who is smaller than you, but more skilled.

Learn that there are different ways to win.

12) Learn how you learn.  Do you like someone to demonstrate on you?  Do you like it when someone narrates the move step by step?  Do you like to observe the technique working on others?

12b) Ask questions in a way that will facilitate #12  (eg "could you show that to me again" vs "could you show me how that feels")

Bonus tip:  If you want to quit, that's fine. 
But don't quit today, when it's hard. 
Don't quit today, when you're just not getting it. 
Don't quit today because you're sore. 

If you gotta quit, quit when you're doing amazing, when you're winning, when you're helping others get better.  If you quit then, it's a choice, not because you're giving up.

NEVER
Give
Up

Why Will Martial Arts Help Me With My...

Alright, buckle up.  I'm going to do my best to answer this question in one giant blog post that I'll keep adding to every time someone asks a question that isn't in here.

If it gets too long, feel free to search for your target word via CTRL+F

DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, SADNESS & OBSESSIVE TENDENCIES
Martial arts requires a presence, a focus, and a posture that is the antithesis of these negative realities.

Think about this for a second:
Imagine a (depressed/anxious/sad) person in the height of their issue.  What do they look like?

Are they breathing shallow, or deep?  Controlled breathing in their stomach, or higher breathing in their chest?  Are their shoulders back, or slumped?  Is their posture dynamic and powerful, or slow and withered?

Emotion comes from motion.  Our bodies tell our brains what to feel.  The intensity and literal postures of martial arts are the antithesis of depression, the focus required obliterates anxiety, the camaraderie and sheer joy of the class nourishes happiness, and hell, your obsessive tendencies will at least be channeled into something constructive (google GSP on this)

They've done studies on people who all they did was (literally) FORCE THEM TO SMILE for extended periods of time, and it combated their depression with equivalent results to antidepressants.  They did another study where they forced people to "cape walk" (that is, walk as though they were a superhero wearing a cape) and had similar results.

Your motions change your emotions.

FEAR, APPREHENSION & INSOMNIA 
Martial arts provides you with a confidence I cannot describe.  It doesn't just come from being a bad ass (though that certainly helps) it comes from the knowing that you are the type of person that overcomes adversity.  The type of person who has been in countless battles and has found a way to win.  A person who knows that all defeats are temporary.

Also, exercise and learning to breathe kinda kick the shit out of most problems on their own.

SELF CONFIDENCE, FEAR OF FAILURE, IMPOSTURE SYNDROME
Martial arts is the ultimate proving ground.  You know what you're capable of, and what you have yet to learn - you also know the path to take you to the next step.

I cannot tell you how many "I can't"s I have seen turn into "I just did"s over the years.  The first board break, the first time a tiny 90lbs person manhandles a giant with ease.  Even just learning how to freaking yell and explode with power.

Martial arts takes you out of your comfort zone and shows you what you're capable of.  It is fucking awesome.

It is also FILLED with setbacks, hardships, mistakes, looking foolish, failures and more.  Everyone around you is supportive, and everyone around you is modelling what perseverance looks like.  The dude at the front with the black belt was, more often than not, a BIGGER spaz than you are now.  Spazzes make the most empathetic and accomplished instructors because they understand what it's like to suck at it, and they know a million ways to try to get better, and which ones worked for which sorts of people.

People who suffer from any sort of self-doubt learn when that doubt is actually warranted, and when it is not.

Mindsettertainment: The gateway drug to happiness and fulfillment

Two percent of the population is interested in self development. Those are rookie numbers.
Quick show of hands. How many of you have been to a Tony Robbins event? Cool. Those of you who raised your hands, answer me this: How many of you can think of a single person who would NOT benefit from going to a Tony Robbins event?
The problem isn't the quality of the event.
The problem is that there's no gateway drug. Jumping from nothing to Tony takes a huge leap of faith. A commitment, financial, emotional, and time.
Plus, what if it SUCKS!? What if it's BORING!? What if I hate it!? I don't wanna be stuck in a room full of hype-men telling me positive thinking will solve all the shit in my life! Right?
What we need is a gateway drug.
I call that gateway drug "Mindsettertainment." I wrote a book called The Shard Chronicles that has explosions, boobs, swearing, fighting... and yeah, mindset. And because the protagonist is experiencing it... so is the reader. Experiential learning is always more impactful. Again, that's why going to Tony's event can be so life changing.
The goal of this book isn't to have the impact of a Tony Robbins concert (and those of you who've been, you know that "event" simply doesn't do it justice) The goal of this book is to show you a slice of that world. To get you hooked.
First one's free.
My challenge to those of you who've already mainlined the hard stuff is to create your own versions of a gateway drug. Create media that empowers and inspires. Movies that impart wisdom. Comic books that inspire us to be better. Books that entertain and improve us.
Let's get those rookie numbers up already.
Let's change the world.

Ono Northey