Rape & Seatbelts

I saw a post this morning where a woman was very upset, claiming that teaching martial arts to women either as rape prevention or as rape recovery was like saying it was the victim's fault, or that rapists should just rape someone else.

I thought about what they were saying, and I think the best analogy I've come up with is driving.

Let's say I'm driving, but I've been drinking, I'm not wearing my seatbelt, I'm speeding, and some fuckface runs a red light and smashes up my car.

...

And I get really, really... really hurt.

It takes a very long time to recover.

A lot of tears are shed, and fuckface goes to jail for a few years.

Now, firstly:
SHOULD HE HAVE RUN A RED LIGHT?
No.

DO YOU THINK HE KNEW RUNNING THE RED LIGHT WAS WRONG?
Probably.

DO YOU THINK EDUCATION WOULD HAVE PREVENTED HIS ACTIONS?
Probably not.

ARE THERE THINGS THAT I COULD HAVE DONE TO LESSEN THE LIKELIHOOD OF THIS ACCIDENT?

...

I am not victim shaming. I am odds-pointing-out-ing.

It is bad to rape.  Rapists shouldn't do it.

But here's the thing.  No matter how true that is... no matter how right that statement is... they do.

And seeing billboards on every street corner touting how rape is actually not a very nice thing to do is not going to change their minds about it today.  Maybe someone will come up with a brilliant education method that will actually change rapist's predilection for forcing themselves on people, but... they haven't yet.

Jiujitsu is a seatbelt.
If you never have to feel that "clunk" when you hit the brakes, or when someone smashes into your car and it keeps you safer... cool man.  That's awesome.  But... if you ARE ever in an accident.... which, statistically... is likely... you're going to want the best damn belt you can get.

Situational awareness is defensive driving.
Be smart.  Being smart is not the same as being scared - it's just being aware.  Statistically, you're more safe doing one thing over another.  Be aware.  We all drive faster than we should at some time or another, but we do it with our eyes open, and our hands on the wheel.  Be safe.

...Drinking is still drinking for this analogy (heh.)
I'm not saying you can't drink.  I'm not.  But, just like with driving, it's gonna increase those odds.  Maybe get someone who hasn't been drinking to drive the car, yeah?  A sober wingman/girl is going to help us get home safe.

Now, do people with their hands at 10 and 2, driving exactly 50k several car lengths back, while wearing their seatbelts and being surrounded by airbags still get in car accidents?

Yes, they do. 

But, it happens less, and they get less hurt, less often.

-

I feel like I'm delivering Louis CK's "of course, but maybe" bit here, but, being "RIGHT" doesn't make you less raped.

It doesn't.

Just because someone SHOULDN'T run a red light doesn't mean they WON'T.

Seatbelts save lives.

And yeah, maybe some day we'll all be in driverless cars, and the world will be rid of the need for seatbelts.  But until then... for fucks sake, buckle up.

Leveling up your parenting

"We give and we give and we give, and all they do is take!"

I think we've all heard a parent say this, yes?

I have a re-frame for you to consider.

Imagine you're in a video game, and you're grinding out a skill to level up.  Would you complain that the 400th archer you just snuck up on did nothing but take all your efforts?  What about the 300th iron hat you just forged in the blacksmith?  Would you complain that all that anvil did was take your time?

No, you're getting XP, right?  You're leveling up, right?  And now that you've leveled up, the quests are bigger, the challenges are greater, the gear is cooler, you've got the ability to do more things!

So, here's the thing.  Life ain't that different.

If you're giving in order to receive, I think you're missing the point.  The point is the XP.  The process.  The experience.

Our kids, spouses, friends, enemies, associates, strangers... they're all there for us to experience, they're all there for us to practice and develop different skills.

And, here's the thing.  If I didn't have a toddler, would I still need to develop patience?  If I didn't have a toddler, would I still have to develop presence?

If we look outward, for people to blame in our lives... I think we're missing the point.  It isn't the archer's fault you suck at sneaking up on him.  It isn't the toddler's fault you suck at patience.

And if they weren't there, YOU WOULD STILL SUCK AT IT.  That skill would still need to be developed.  You just wouldn't have an as efficient tool with which to practice that skill.

So, you have two options.  You can look at that toddler and say "damn it, s/he needs so much patience" or, you can say "sweet, double XP."

Either way, the process is there.  That day is there.  The same activities and same development will or won't occur. 

Situps need to be done to get nice abs.  Imagine if you found situps you enjoyed doing!  (Jiujitsu is one way).  Enjoy the process.  Enjoy leveling up.

Or... don't.

There's always someone else to blame for our problems, and there's always some way to justify our failings.  Level 1 quests and rewards are cool, too.