Why Not-Thanos is okay and Not-Batman isn't

"But, but... Thanos isn't Thanos!  He's supposed to be in love with Death, not... not re-hashed, cosmic Ras Al Ghul!"

Alright.  I hear you.  I do.  I can see why this might sting a little DC.  I mean, why can't you re-make Batman into a laughing, joking, gun toting murderer while Marvel can rake in the dough by re-making Thanos into a tree hugger? 

HERE'S WHY

1) Consistency
This is really... really important, so I want you to lean in.

When people read comic books... they are willing to suspend disbelief.  They are willing to accept that Bruce's choice to put on a pointy hat and cape rather than simply fund better prisons, rehabilitation programs and outfit the police with better tech because that would make for a pretty shitty comic.

What they are NOT willing to do, is put up with inconsistency of character.

WHY DOES BATMAN USE BATARANGS
Because they are elegant, they take skill.  They are not guns.  Guns ricochet and kill innocents, guns make it easy and... y'know GUNS KILLED HIS PARENTS AND HE HATES THEM.

So, making him use guns is... stupid.

Next:  WHY THE FUCK DOES HE DIVE OFF THE ROOF AND SAVE HARLEY QUINN!?

IF you're going to re-write Batman as a well funded Punisher with a bat fetish THEN DON'T HAVE HIM SAVING CRIMINALS!!  PICK A THING! 

PICK.  A.  THING.

See, here's the point of this:  If Thanos had been giving Death a hug in his first appearance, then everyone would be much more upset about his actions in Infinity War.  Because then it WOULDN'T make sense.  It would be...

C'mon DC... 

Starts with an I...

In-congruent?

Hey, y'know what?  I was going for inconsistent, but yeah, I'll take it. 

In fact, let's talk a little more about congruence.

2) The hero vs villain rewrite okayability

It's actually more okay to (sorta) re-write a villain.  See, people go in with a LOOOOT of emotional investment in the hero.  Jack Bauer is a bad ass, Batman doesn't kill, Mr. Fantastic is smart.

But villains?  Villains it's more okay to give a unique backstory to make them fit the plot of your movie.  I mean, look at the brilliant work of Mr. Freeze in Batman: The animated series.  Hard to argue against that rewrite.

Or hey, look at the version of Penguin in the Arkham City video game.  Great job.

Or even Kite Man in that one comic.

See, people go in wanting to BE the hero in the movie.  They are (supposed to be) the protagonist, the character we all dive our minds into and experience for a few hours.  We see their trials and tribulations and we want them to succeed. 

That means they have to act congruent with the belief structure previously established and emotionally bought into by the viewer.

If Batman starts offing people, the audience is taken out of the experience by the cognitive dissonance.  "Wait, why would I use an AK-47?  I'm Batman!  What's with the joking?  Shouldn't I have just grunted, or ignored her altogether, being too busy with my preparation which ultimately saves the day in some implausible foresight-related genius moment?"

"AH HAH!  But Ant Man is supposed to be smart!"

Yup.  You're right.  That was shit.

"Wait... what?  It was?  I mean... YEAH!  SHIT!  And... and he's supposed to be a jerk!  A wife-beating jerk!"

Yeah. 

I mean, yeah. 

So two things on that.  One, if you see the whole "audience member wanting to be the protagonist" point above...  I think you can agree that going a different route with that character kinda makes sense. 

I mean, you can understand it, right?  Nobody should be buying Hank Pym with wife-backslap action button action figures...  so I hope you can see why they did it. 

But, you're right. 

To make him some Ryan Reynolds knock off was a bad choice.

They still could have made him a troubled, insecure asshole and simply not given him his own movie.  They could have "gone to him for help" or something, instead of... the dogshit that was Ant Man.

So nobody's perfect.

And that's the point, DC.  You can still turn this shit show around.  Not now.  No.  Not now.  You've hurt the fans too much.  You have to wait six years and do a reboot.  BUT when you DO...

Here's how to win:

Read a comic book.  Hell, read a few of them.  Talk to nerds.  Run your stupid... stupid scripts by them and get their feedback.  If they say anything resembling "why the fuck is XYZ acting like this?" or "Jesus christ, have you READ the source material!?" or anything like that... listen to them.

IF they say "actually, in episode 6 of the original golden age comic it was confirmed that, though he is often right handed, he catches the ball with his left hand so, in this sequence where he catches the ball with his right hand..."

IT'S OKAY TO IGNORE THAT.

Just... hit the main bits, okay?

Superman is nice.
Batman is stern.

Just... start with that.  Okay?

Now stop crying.

Dear DC Comics

Dear DC: I don't want to kick you when you're down, it's just, well, we've been here before, haven't we? We've had this conversation a dozen times, haven't we?

"Why don't the kids like me? Why do they all like Mister Popular Marvel over there!?"

Now, I'm not suggesting you change you are, sweetie. You have to be yourself. But I do want you to listen.

(And maybe now that Infinity War earned more in a weekend than Justice League earned in its entire run at the box office, you'll listen.)

Batman, Superman... these are all good characters. They really, really are. They've had a great run, and entertained millions.

The thing is, I think it would be really, really beneficial if you, maybe, read one of those comics before making a movie about it. (I'm just saying, it might help)

I take no joy in bludgeoning a stupid, stupid dead horse, and I wouldn't bother if not for my love of the DC characters you have clearly yet to read about, but please, for the love of mylar bags, read a goddamn comic or, hell, just ask any nerd if your script is even halfway decent before committing to it.

Now, I know, I know - you want to adapt the characters to a new medium. I get it. I do. And I know you've said this to us all a few times, about how you want to take a fresh new take on a character. And that's cool. I get it.

Here's the thing: Let's say you made a documentary about Hitler and you made him a super nice, 6'4 black man whose main motivation was to beat Rommel in a fist fight... and you called it "World War 2"

How do you think that'd go over? Do you think people would celebrate the fresh new take on the character, or, do you think they might go "huh, why didn't they call that something else?"

When you have Batman (a character whose DEFINING TRAITS are that he DOES NOT USE GUNS or KILL... running around... SHOOTING AND KILLING PEOPLE... that is black 6'4 hitler-boxer. Do you understand? It isn't that you couldn't make a really great movie about hitler-boxer, but you don't CALL HIM HITLER you call him Josh or something, and you don't name the movie World War 2, you name it Boxer Guy.

When you make the super genius lex luthor borderline retarded, inept, insane, and clearly without a feasible plan... that bothers people.

Do you understand why? Do you understand?

Robert Downy Jr and Tom Holland. Why do you suppose people LIKE those people playing their characters? Do you think, perhaps, it's because they resemble the characters they are supposed to be playing? Do you suppose it might be that they are acting like their characters? Do you suppose it's because the dialogue they've been given MATCHES their GODDAMN CHARACTERS!?

HOW IS THIS NOT COMMON SENSE!? HOW!?

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry I yelled. You're right. That isn't fair to you. It's just... well, we've had this conversation so many times, now.

But, you're right. Casting is so tricky. I get it.

Maybe... all of your choices... all of them... maybe they weren't so... wrong. Maybe it was just the script.

Okay. Let me help you, okay? I'm going to sum up what you did wrong with every person in your movies.

Batman:

Batman, is occasionally sarcastic in the justice league cartoons, so I'll give you poetic license to give him a quip here and there. Eg "It's called eyes, Flash. I use them."

He's very efficient in his speech. He wouldn't, for example, say "more or less. Okay. Mostly less. Okay, he didn't join us at all, no."

He isn't Woody Goddamn Allen. He's batman. Jesus.

He doesn't use guns.

He doesn't kill people.

He is generally stern, impatient, and pissed off.

What you made

A fun loving joking fellow who murders people with guns.

So... not super close.

Superman:

Superman finds the light, and humor in serious situations. He is a symbol for HOPE. He is decisive, a natural leader, charismatic, beloved by all and very, very powerful.

What you made

A whiny, depressed, dark loser who takes everything serious, nobody listens to and his despised by most.

So... not great. Not... not great.

Lex Luthor:

Megalomaniac, narcissistic sociopath who wants to be seen as Metropolis' savior/most powerful man who feels threatened by Superman's presence. Alternatively, he could feel that the human race, in order to thrive, cannot have a crutch like Superman to fall back on. In either case, he is dignified, politician like (at some point he DOES become the president of the united states) untouchable, above the law, one step ahead of everyone.

What you made

A spastic moron, with seemingly no logical motivations at all.

Okay. So... yeah. Also, not great. Not... okay, moving on.

Doomsday, Steppenwolf, Darkseid, Ares... and every other horrific CG villain you've made.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Okay. Doomsday is not Zod and Lex Luthor's love child. Steppenwolf does not collect motherboxes from... from earth... MOTHERBOXES ARE MADE ON APOCALYPSE! Darkseid is... look. Ares is the god of WAR he doesn't want to END WAR.

Holy shit.

Sorry. Lost my temper again. Look, maybe we should pick this up another time. We've both said some things we didn't mean.

No.

No, we need to do this, DC. I'd just be lying if I said I didn't mean any of what I said.

We have to do this. Through the fire we will burn away the impurities and come out stronger for it.

We need to move on.

WE NEED YOU TO LISTEN.

Lex Luthor did not design the logos for the members of the Justice League.

Flash can move quickly

...oh shit, wait. You... you did make him move fast.

(double checks)

No wait. I knew it was too good to be true. End of Justice League Flash is running long enough for him to circle the globe multiple times and has only moved a mile. Aaaand then Superman catches up... and passes him... while carrying a building.

Okay. But hey! You had him catch a baterang! That was pretty fast!

And he's... well, he's supposed to be a cheerful forensic scientist... charismatic, beloved by all... and you made him a neurotic, friendless high school student...

Okay, let's quit while we're ahead on Flash. You made him move pretty fast. Good job.

Cyborg... actually, y'know what?

Cyborg:

Cyborg ex-football player who is sad about losing humanity.

What you made:

Horrifically rendered CGI cyborg ex-football player who is sad about losing humanity.

Nice! That was almost good! See? You're getting it. Keep at it. Don't make him a hispanic woman determined to help Luthor pass his SATs in the next movie and you should be fine.

Conclusion
Look, we all know you... mean well. That you're trying.

I mean, hey, Superman and Batman's moms ARE both named Martha. I mean, what are the odds, right? Good for you for noticing that. That's neat!

I wouldn't... I wouldn't say that was the... foundation of their friendship. Or... relevant. But... hey! It's a heck of a coincidence, right?

I know it's hard. To please nerds. We're hard to please. I get that. I do.

I think... I think if we all felt you were trying, that might be enough. I mean, let's say the plot was bad, but everyone acted sort of like who they were. I think that'd be a thing, right? I could see that working for you. For everyone.

Give it a go, okay? Make a movie where the characters are as they have been written, in an adventure that seems to fit what those characters would take part in, and who knows? Maybe you could save the franchise!

People are SUUUPER forgiving with superhero movies. Look at the horrific Joel Schumacher Batman film, and how everyone reacted to Christopher Nolan's take, right? Reboots are all the rage with comic book movies. So, there's hope.

Not in the near future, surely. No, for the next five or six years you are totally screwed.

But, give the world a while to recover from your... attempts. And then, give 'er another go! You'll remember what you've learned... Flash runs fast. Cyborg is sad... and build off of those successes with an entirely new franchise!

Who knows! Maybe... maybe there will be... Hope.

Virtual Art Gallery

There's new holographic technology that looks very impressive to me.  My first thought was a digital art gallery.

Here's the breakdown:  You, the artist, upload your 3D, digital work to a central database.  (up to you if that's originally 3D, or if you 3D scanned your actual artwork) That database distributes the above technology to people for free, or close-to-free (with a monthly subscription plan)

People get access to ALL the artwork in the database, and can switch it out whenever they want. 

Server takes the subscription fee, and distributes it to artists whose work is being used.

eg:  $9.99 subscription x 100,000 users
60% of the subscription fee goes to artists ($599,400)
Your artwork was used by 10% of the audience, here's your monthly check of $59,940
This guy's artwork was used by 1% of the audience, here's his monthly check for $5,994

Everyone wins.

I think this is a pretty decent idea.

If, by chance, you implement this idea, do me a solid and cut me in for 1% of the profits, will you?  Thanks!