Dear DC Comics

Dear DC: I don't want to kick you when you're down, it's just, well, we've been here before, haven't we? We've had this conversation a dozen times, haven't we?

"Why don't the kids like me? Why do they all like Mister Popular Marvel over there!?"

Now, I'm not suggesting you change you are, sweetie. You have to be yourself. But I do want you to listen.

(And maybe now that Infinity War earned more in a weekend than Justice League earned in its entire run at the box office, you'll listen.)

Batman, Superman... these are all good characters. They really, really are. They've had a great run, and entertained millions.

The thing is, I think it would be really, really beneficial if you, maybe, read one of those comics before making a movie about it. (I'm just saying, it might help)

I take no joy in bludgeoning a stupid, stupid dead horse, and I wouldn't bother if not for my love of the DC characters you have clearly yet to read about, but please, for the love of mylar bags, read a goddamn comic or, hell, just ask any nerd if your script is even halfway decent before committing to it.

Now, I know, I know - you want to adapt the characters to a new medium. I get it. I do. And I know you've said this to us all a few times, about how you want to take a fresh new take on a character. And that's cool. I get it.

Here's the thing: Let's say you made a documentary about Hitler and you made him a super nice, 6'4 black man whose main motivation was to beat Rommel in a fist fight... and you called it "World War 2"

How do you think that'd go over? Do you think people would celebrate the fresh new take on the character, or, do you think they might go "huh, why didn't they call that something else?"

When you have Batman (a character whose DEFINING TRAITS are that he DOES NOT USE GUNS or KILL... running around... SHOOTING AND KILLING PEOPLE... that is black 6'4 hitler-boxer. Do you understand? It isn't that you couldn't make a really great movie about hitler-boxer, but you don't CALL HIM HITLER you call him Josh or something, and you don't name the movie World War 2, you name it Boxer Guy.

When you make the super genius lex luthor borderline retarded, inept, insane, and clearly without a feasible plan... that bothers people.

Do you understand why? Do you understand?

Robert Downy Jr and Tom Holland. Why do you suppose people LIKE those people playing their characters? Do you think, perhaps, it's because they resemble the characters they are supposed to be playing? Do you suppose it might be that they are acting like their characters? Do you suppose it's because the dialogue they've been given MATCHES their GODDAMN CHARACTERS!?

HOW IS THIS NOT COMMON SENSE!? HOW!?

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry I yelled. You're right. That isn't fair to you. It's just... well, we've had this conversation so many times, now.

But, you're right. Casting is so tricky. I get it.

Maybe... all of your choices... all of them... maybe they weren't so... wrong. Maybe it was just the script.

Okay. Let me help you, okay? I'm going to sum up what you did wrong with every person in your movies.

Batman:

Batman, is occasionally sarcastic in the justice league cartoons, so I'll give you poetic license to give him a quip here and there. Eg "It's called eyes, Flash. I use them."

He's very efficient in his speech. He wouldn't, for example, say "more or less. Okay. Mostly less. Okay, he didn't join us at all, no."

He isn't Woody Goddamn Allen. He's batman. Jesus.

He doesn't use guns.

He doesn't kill people.

He is generally stern, impatient, and pissed off.

What you made

A fun loving joking fellow who murders people with guns.

So... not super close.

Superman:

Superman finds the light, and humor in serious situations. He is a symbol for HOPE. He is decisive, a natural leader, charismatic, beloved by all and very, very powerful.

What you made

A whiny, depressed, dark loser who takes everything serious, nobody listens to and his despised by most.

So... not great. Not... not great.

Lex Luthor:

Megalomaniac, narcissistic sociopath who wants to be seen as Metropolis' savior/most powerful man who feels threatened by Superman's presence. Alternatively, he could feel that the human race, in order to thrive, cannot have a crutch like Superman to fall back on. In either case, he is dignified, politician like (at some point he DOES become the president of the united states) untouchable, above the law, one step ahead of everyone.

What you made

A spastic moron, with seemingly no logical motivations at all.

Okay. So... yeah. Also, not great. Not... okay, moving on.

Doomsday, Steppenwolf, Darkseid, Ares... and every other horrific CG villain you've made.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Okay. Doomsday is not Zod and Lex Luthor's love child. Steppenwolf does not collect motherboxes from... from earth... MOTHERBOXES ARE MADE ON APOCALYPSE! Darkseid is... look. Ares is the god of WAR he doesn't want to END WAR.

Holy shit.

Sorry. Lost my temper again. Look, maybe we should pick this up another time. We've both said some things we didn't mean.

No.

No, we need to do this, DC. I'd just be lying if I said I didn't mean any of what I said.

We have to do this. Through the fire we will burn away the impurities and come out stronger for it.

We need to move on.

WE NEED YOU TO LISTEN.

Lex Luthor did not design the logos for the members of the Justice League.

Flash can move quickly

...oh shit, wait. You... you did make him move fast.

(double checks)

No wait. I knew it was too good to be true. End of Justice League Flash is running long enough for him to circle the globe multiple times and has only moved a mile. Aaaand then Superman catches up... and passes him... while carrying a building.

Okay. But hey! You had him catch a baterang! That was pretty fast!

And he's... well, he's supposed to be a cheerful forensic scientist... charismatic, beloved by all... and you made him a neurotic, friendless high school student...

Okay, let's quit while we're ahead on Flash. You made him move pretty fast. Good job.

Cyborg... actually, y'know what?

Cyborg:

Cyborg ex-football player who is sad about losing humanity.

What you made:

Horrifically rendered CGI cyborg ex-football player who is sad about losing humanity.

Nice! That was almost good! See? You're getting it. Keep at it. Don't make him a hispanic woman determined to help Luthor pass his SATs in the next movie and you should be fine.

Conclusion
Look, we all know you... mean well. That you're trying.

I mean, hey, Superman and Batman's moms ARE both named Martha. I mean, what are the odds, right? Good for you for noticing that. That's neat!

I wouldn't... I wouldn't say that was the... foundation of their friendship. Or... relevant. But... hey! It's a heck of a coincidence, right?

I know it's hard. To please nerds. We're hard to please. I get that. I do.

I think... I think if we all felt you were trying, that might be enough. I mean, let's say the plot was bad, but everyone acted sort of like who they were. I think that'd be a thing, right? I could see that working for you. For everyone.

Give it a go, okay? Make a movie where the characters are as they have been written, in an adventure that seems to fit what those characters would take part in, and who knows? Maybe you could save the franchise!

People are SUUUPER forgiving with superhero movies. Look at the horrific Joel Schumacher Batman film, and how everyone reacted to Christopher Nolan's take, right? Reboots are all the rage with comic book movies. So, there's hope.

Not in the near future, surely. No, for the next five or six years you are totally screwed.

But, give the world a while to recover from your... attempts. And then, give 'er another go! You'll remember what you've learned... Flash runs fast. Cyborg is sad... and build off of those successes with an entirely new franchise!

Who knows! Maybe... maybe there will be... Hope.