Beware the ego of helping others

Its an interesting thing, helping people.  Like giving a gift, one could argue that - as it feels great to give, you are, in effect, getting more out of the deal than the person you're helping.

(Personally, I think it doesn't really matter who is "getting more" as long as you're helping people)

When it comes to helping people as a piece of your identity, however, I issue a caution.

I'm constantly growing in my own abilities as a teacher, and, one area I really need to focus on - is stepping back and helping less.

"What?" you might say?  "How is that better?"

Its something I'm coming to terms with myself, actually.

Being a teacher, to me, meant constantly looking to improve those around me, and, as a result, the world on a whole.  In essence, being the change I want to see, but also attempting to coach others into doing the same.

I've found that, in the short run, this works wonderfully.  But, in the long run, it tends to feel more and more like nitpicking, nagging, and judgement.  Also, the more grandiose your mission, the more justification one can easily make.  The classic "would you kill an innocent child to solve world hunger" argument.  If you feel you are on your "holy mission", it is easy to become cold and calculating if people don't "get in line" with your vision.

Its strange, but the phrase "the road to hell is littered with good intentions" finally makes sense to me.  I never really agreed with that before - I figured that there was no such thing as evil power, only evil intent.

But who IS right in that situation?  The innocent child for the end of world hunger is, of course, fairly abstract, but... who IS right?  What if you magnified it completely to "one innocent child for the entire human race"?  At what point do the ends justify the means?

Anyway, coming off as judgmental or nitpicking has never been my intention - my goal has always been to help those around me... but, in many past relationships, and, with some students, I feel that eventually, people begin to see it as an ego trip.

And, after looking at my performance last night, maybe they were right.

My fiancé has mentioned it to me, that she feels that when I say things like "well, what I would do, is" it is very egotistical.

From my perspective, it is more a sharing of life experience, or opinion - but I understand her take on it, as well.  (personally, I like it when instructors teach me in this fashion, as, if I respect them in a particular field, and they told me what THEY would do in that area... naturally I respect the advice more -- if you read TK2A's chapter on finding and evaluating mentors, you'll kinda get what I mean on that one)

This all came to my attention when I realized the grievous error I'd made when negotiating our condo deal.  I wasn't negotiating for the best win/win deal, as I usually do - ... I was negotiating to show off.  To show Renee just what I could do, and teach her in the process.

I wasn't trying to help - though I thought I was at the time - I was trying to shine in the spotlight.

Friggin' ego.  You hide so well under the veils of skills and help.

It made me take a look at my martial arts teaching, as well.

Am I too critical of my students?  Expecting that they succeed?  Are high expectations a bad thing?  Should I take the approach of other martial arts schools and simply McDojo them their black belts regardless of skill?

Or, is there a middle ground?  One where I keep the same high standards, but teach in a different way?

Do people appreciate my help, or resent it?  Do they just want to train and be left alone, or do they wish I added more input?

Do people wish I taught more generally, or, do they appreciate that I take the time to ponder their individual growth?